With exams over, I feel like it’s time to reflect on things I have learnt this semester:
- The grammar of the English language is HARD. When studying it, try and keep up to date with readings.
- Learning *how* to use play as a learning tool with young children is much less fun than actually playing with young children.
- Sociology will always and forever remain my favourite subject area…and statistics are not boring. Continue reading
The title of this blog comes from an episode of the show ‘Friends’. Basically, Monica buys some really beautiful, really expensive boots. She tells Chandler that the expense is ok – she can wear them with everything. Of course, the first time she wears them, she finds out that they are super uncomfortable! But determined not to lose face, she keeps pretending to wear them. She finally gets caught out after Chandler makes her wear them to a work function – and they have to walk a fair distance. She gives up, tells the truth and takes them off…and then promptly lusts after the same pair in a different colour that are on sale! Continue reading
A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. Verb
Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to (someone else): “he envied tall people”; “I envy Jane her happiness”.
You know how sometimes it can feel like you’re not living you life, you are merely a spectator? And at other times you feel like you don’t have a life at all – no friends, nothing
good happening? And you sit and you wonder and you think…how did I get here?
I saw a movie today, and it changed me. Just in this moment…I know it will fade. Right now, though, things are clear. I constantly complain that no one asks me out to anything. I’ve always blamed them for not thinking of me, but maybe I haven’t put myself out there. Maybe I haven’t shown that I’m free, that I’m keen, that I will turn up. I talk a lot, but I’m actually really shy. New people, new experiences…they scare the crap out of me. So, this is me putting it out there: I want to see people and go places and be slightly crazy. I don’t need to be wrapped in cotton wool – it only makes things worse. I know I can be encased in the relationship bubble, which is why I need my friends to help burst it (and by that, I mean, drag me out of the house to be young women in the prime of our lives!).
Please don’t let me quit therapy. I know sometimes I go on about how my therapist sucks, but I think it’s got more to do with the fact that (for whatever reason) I don’t want to be truly honest with her…like I think I should be ‘healed’ already and move on with it. The thing is, we’re just getting to the important part. I’ve dealt with the overwhelming tragedy of my abuse, but not with the everyday reflexes that are there in my life because of it. So please, I am begging you do not let me quit therapy. or change uni courses (again).
I am so lucky to know you. In real life and in cyber space (although, sometimes I think we’re more ‘real’ online…but that’s another post!) I am lucky to have crazy, awesome people who love me and annoy me. I am so young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can do whatever I want, become whoever I want to be. This is a bit of a rambling letter / post, I know…but the point is this: we accept the love we think we deserve. And we all deserve to be wonderfully loved. So learn to love yourself,including all the things you think are flaws and failings, so that you will accept no less than that.
I have been avoiding writing this post, most because the reasons behind it had me ugly crying for the second time in less the a month. So I’m going to start off with a bit of rant about the romantic comedy/drama genre (which has been inspired by post on both KiKi&Tea and Mamamia).
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I have to confess that I used to love romance films. I devoured them. Whenever I went to the movies, they’re what I wanted to see – boy meets girl, they fall in love, there is a misunderstanding / catastrophe of some sort, they sort it out and get married in a gorgeous ceremony. I would laugh, I would cry and I would leave the cinema feeling full of hope and joy. For many years, my favourite of all of these was ‘A Walk To Remember’, which though incredibly sad, sparked my fascination with Nicholas Sparks (see what I did there?) who is also credited with such marvels as ‘Dear John’, ‘The Last Song’ and of course ‘The Notebook’. All epic romances that featured pretty normal people – people that I could identify with.
And there’s the rub.
Of course, it’s not Mr Spark’s fault that I had a hard time separating fiction and reality (Stephanie Meyer and Jodi Picoult are also partly to blame), but that’s what happened. I was convinced that I just had to wait and everything would turn out fine. That my story would turn into something epic that people would talk about forever. I was utterly convinced that I would marry my ‘highschool sweetheart’ that for a better part of year, I ignored the fact that he was cheating on me. I knew he would realise the error of his ways and come back to me. It didn’t happen, I screamed at him, he sent my abusive messages and now…well now he is reformed (from what I can tell) and is marrying the sweetest girl ever (who is not me, by the way).
This rant has a point: somewhere along the way, someone forgot to mention to me that real life doesn’t happen like fiction. And, it’s also my own responsibility now to make sure I live in the real world. Which brings us to ugly crying…
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In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to have this particular conversation with darling Fiancé this week. But I had to, because I’d started planning again. Like, actual, serious, “we’re probably going to get married next November” planning. Because I believed for some insane reason, that he would magically be ready. He isn’t, of course, because real life doesn’t happen like that. So I was ugly crying and screaming that I wanted my special day – for something to go right for me once in my life. (because i’m kind of an insensitive bitch when I’m hormonal and dreams have been…delayed…again). My therapist asked me this week if I’m staying with him because I want to get married or because I love him. I know I love him, but I’ve still had to think that question over this week and I know that if I ever can’t immediately respond with “I love him” then I should leave.
For now, there is a plan. On my end, I am going to work on detaching myself from the problems of my parents, as well as working on the whole living in reality thing. On his end, he’s going to continue to work on his budgeting and his overwhelming need to ‘provide’. Together, we’re going to work on supporting each other, taking turns to talk and cry and comfort (but not placate). We can do this – I am certain of it. I love him. He loves me. We care for each, we ‘see’ each other.
Hollywood can go bite itself.
Today I had an UGLY CRY (well, several actually). For the uninitiated, an UGLY CRY is when you’re crying to hard that how have tears pouring down your face, snot dribbling out your nose and you can’t breathe properly, so you are forced to take those big gasping breaths. At the end, you generally feel quite good – if not happy, at least glad that things are off your chest.
Nothing really super huge happened to prompt the UGLY CRY session/s. It was just a lot of things.
Because my sister (who I love!) has managed to find the perfect job for next year.
Because she and her husband start the day off by praying together.
Because my chip packet had a best before date of 02/02/13, which was the date I was supposed to be getting married.
Because my mum keeps entering
my room every area of my life without my permission or need or want.
Because I was having a ‘fat day’.
Because I have no money.
Because I couldn’t get in contact with Fiancé (he was at work).
Because the bus was late, so I missed my class.
Because exams are in a month.
Because of “all the oestrogen, George. Because of ALL the oestrogen.” (A Grey’s Anatomy quote – but it applies).
I then proceeded to rush off the Chatswood, hoping to find Fiancé after he finished work because what I needed more than anything was a hug from him. Somehow, I caught him just in time before he got on a bus. And he held me a told me that it was fine to cry. That he wished he had more time for me today, but that he will make up for it tomorrow. That he loves me. And so now, even though everything still sucks, I don’t feel the need to keep UGLY CRYING (at least for today.
Lots of my friends seem to having bad days, too. Is it something in the air?
If you’ve had a bad day, what / who helps?
When was the last time you had an UGLY CRY?