You know how sometimes it can feel like you’re not living you life, you are merely a spectator? And at other times you feel like you don’t have a life at all – no friends, nothing
good happening? And you sit and you wonder and you think…how did I get here?
I saw a movie today, and it changed me. Just in this moment…I know it will fade. Right now, though, things are clear. I constantly complain that no one asks me out to anything. I’ve always blamed them for not thinking of me, but maybe I haven’t put myself out there. Maybe I haven’t shown that I’m free, that I’m keen, that I will turn up. I talk a lot, but I’m actually really shy. New people, new experiences…they scare the crap out of me. So, this is me putting it out there: I want to see people and go places and be slightly crazy. I don’t need to be wrapped in cotton wool – it only makes things worse. I know I can be encased in the relationship bubble, which is why I need my friends to help burst it (and by that, I mean, drag me out of the house to be young women in the prime of our lives!).
Please don’t let me quit therapy. I know sometimes I go on about how my therapist sucks, but I think it’s got more to do with the fact that (for whatever reason) I don’t want to be truly honest with her…like I think I should be ‘healed’ already and move on with it. The thing is, we’re just getting to the important part. I’ve dealt with the overwhelming tragedy of my abuse, but not with the everyday reflexes that are there in my life because of it. So please, I am begging you do not let me quit therapy. or change uni courses (again).
I am so lucky to know you. In real life and in cyber space (although, sometimes I think we’re more ‘real’ online…but that’s another post!) I am lucky to have crazy, awesome people who love me and annoy me. I am so young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can do whatever I want, become whoever I want to be. This is a bit of a rambling letter / post, I know…but the point is this: we accept the love we think we deserve. And we all deserve to be wonderfully loved. So learn to love yourself,including all the things you think are flaws and failings, so that you will accept no less than that.
There is a word that people with my conditions hate.
It sits in the pit of my stomach, heavy with foreboding.
It gets stuck in my throat…I just can’t get the syllables out.
It’s the scariest word I have in my vocabulary. This year, Fiancé and several of my friends have gone down the paths of full blown relapse – hospital stays, concerned looks, confusion and desperation. I am not there yet – but I am on my way down that slippery slope again.
It began sometime after Fiancé was discharged. I don’t really know why or how or when, but at some point everything has become screwed up again. The voices in my head are there, whispering and niggling. Not screaming like they use to, but there. I am crying more and eating less. I find that I could stay in bed all day. I am anxious and angry and agitated. It has been better, it could get a lot worse. So here is the next scary word…
I create what I think and feel, and am in control of what I do or do not do. The same is true for you. We need only note the impact of our reality on each other. – Internal Boundary Statement, SPP Client Handbook
My responsibility is first and foremost to myself. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months taking on other people’s problems as my own. Seemingly contradictory, I have become more insular and withdrawn into myself. I have let my therapist convince me of things that she can’t possibly know as true, because that’s what I wanted to hear. I have not asked for my needs to be met. I have not been responsible for myself, and I know if I continue not doing so that the ED voices will completely overwhelm me again and I do not want to become sick again. So my responsibility is to find a therapist who will work within reality. My responsibility is to reach out when I need help. My responsibility is to love my friends and family (and the best way I can do that is to love myself). My responsibility is to keep continuing down the road of…
A relapse, however small or great, is not the ‘death’ of recovery. It is a setback, a hurdle to overcome. I love recovery. I love the joy and life and hope it brings. I love the feeling of being ‘able’. I am willing to do most anything to reclaim my life. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. And I do. And I will NOT be overcome by it.
Today, I should be studying for my next exam on Monday.
Today, I should be cleaning the house.
Today, I should be catching up with friends I haven’t seen in forever.
Today I am sick.
It started on Tuesday afternoon, this pain the pit of my abdomen.
It hasn’t left.
So today, I am lying in bed.
I am drinking fluids. Eating bland food. Drinking more fluids. Sleeping. Repeating.
I’m not seriously ill, but clearly my body needs a rest.
So I will respect it, and give it what it needs.
The studying can wait.