You know how sometimes it can feel like you’re not living you life, you are merely a spectator? And at other times you feel like you don’t have a life at all – no friends, nothing
good happening? And you sit and you wonder and you think…how did I get here?
I saw a movie today, and it changed me. Just in this moment…I know it will fade. Right now, though, things are clear. I constantly complain that no one asks me out to anything. I’ve always blamed them for not thinking of me, but maybe I haven’t put myself out there. Maybe I haven’t shown that I’m free, that I’m keen, that I will turn up. I talk a lot, but I’m actually really shy. New people, new experiences…they scare the crap out of me. So, this is me putting it out there: I want to see people and go places and be slightly crazy. I don’t need to be wrapped in cotton wool – it only makes things worse. I know I can be encased in the relationship bubble, which is why I need my friends to help burst it (and by that, I mean, drag me out of the house to be young women in the prime of our lives!).
Please don’t let me quit therapy. I know sometimes I go on about how my therapist sucks, but I think it’s got more to do with the fact that (for whatever reason) I don’t want to be truly honest with her…like I think I should be ‘healed’ already and move on with it. The thing is, we’re just getting to the important part. I’ve dealt with the overwhelming tragedy of my abuse, but not with the everyday reflexes that are there in my life because of it. So please, I am begging you do not let me quit therapy. or change uni courses (again).
I am so lucky to know you. In real life and in cyber space (although, sometimes I think we’re more ‘real’ online…but that’s another post!) I am lucky to have crazy, awesome people who love me and annoy me. I am so young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can do whatever I want, become whoever I want to be. This is a bit of a rambling letter / post, I know…but the point is this: we accept the love we think we deserve. And we all deserve to be wonderfully loved. So learn to love yourself,including all the things you think are flaws and failings, so that you will accept no less than that.
Dear darling Matthew,
I’ll start off by saying…you are not perfect. I know, its a weird way to start a love letter. I think it’s important to state it though because so often I find it easy to just focus on the (many) brilliant things you do and forget about the things that annoy me.
Congratulations for making it to 21 🙂 You’re now legally an adult everywhere in the world. I love the fact that you are still able to find the child inside you – playing with bubbles, nerf guns and generally being silly! You are so often a shining light in my world full of stress, and you are constantly reminding me to take care of myself. You have this rather wonderful ability to make me feel incredibly special and beautiful and loved, and I hope I am able to return this…because you, sweetheart, deserve so much to be loved.
I know getting to this point in your life has not been easy for you, especially over the last few months. I know that your mind has been battling against you, that often you feel worthless and unloved and unlovable – and that is so not the case. Because as much as you annoy me sometimes, as much as we fail to understand each other, as much as this whole recovery thing is difficult….I still love you! I always will. I love your big squishy hugs, your cheeky smile and the humming thing you do when you’re happy. And so, I really look forward to marrying you (when we’re both ready) and being able to love the man who taught me to love, for the rest of my life.
Why hello there!
Yes, it’s been a little while since I posted any new content from me (though this post from the gorgeous Rebekah is well worth a read!). I’ve been busy. Super busy. Lots of fun stuff has happened, and lots of hard stuff too.
So, to start:
Super-Happy-Fun-Rainbow Twitter Girl Awesome Day
I’m friends with some pretty lovely girls on twitter, but before July 21st, I’d only ever met one of them in real life (well, too, but Cupcake & I didn’t realise we were standing next to each other until we both left the pet store in Chatswood…) Anyway, we organised to drive up to Newcastle – one of the girls is a single mum with two young boys & lives up there – and we had a blast! We ate Jaffa Cupcakes, talked (very loudly!), visited a lingerie store (oh yes), talked some more, got a little lost driving around Newcastle, ate delicious lunch, got locked out of the house, took funny photos, painted our nails & generally had an awesome day!
Starting Uni – for the second time
I have started uni (again!). This time around, I’m doing a B.Education (Early Childhood) (Birth to 12 years). It’s a very long title for a course! I have managed to a) not get lost in the massive new campus I’m at and b) finish all my week 1 readings. I still haven’t finished listening to all my lectures (eek!) but I’ll get there hopefully. I’m doing a maths subject this semester, which is horrible. I can’t remember stuff I learnt in year 6 & 7! Gah. I’ll get through, though. Hopefully I’ll get all my assignments in on time, too!
Hospital & Homelessness
On a final, and slightly more depressing note…Matt is actually being kicked out of his youth service. I’m horrified at the behaviour they’ve shown – he’s only been out of hospital for two weeks, and most of that time he’s been going back every day as a day patient or out patient, so he’s hardly had enough time or energy to show the improvement they were looking for! And what about offering some extra support huh? Instead of just getting angrier and angrier at him GAH! So while he was doing really well in hospital (and for the first week out), he’s now crashed. Hard. We have to find him a new place to live – hopefully somewhere near Chatswood. I don’t think him moving back in with his family is a good idea…but I don’t really see any other option in the immediate future. Le sigh.
Hope you’re all doing well!
With love, S 🙂