The One With Monica’s Boots

The title of this blog comes from an episode of the show ‘Friends’. Basically, Monica buys some really beautiful, really expensive boots. She tells Chandler that the expense is ok – she can wear them with everything. Of course, the first time she wears them, she finds out that they are super uncomfortable! But determined not to lose face, she keeps pretending to wear them. She finally gets caught out after Chandler makes her wear them to a work function – and they have to walk a fair distance. She gives up, tells the truth and takes them off…and then promptly lusts after the same pair in a different colour that are on sale!  Continue reading

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Dream A Little Dream

A gorgeous young woman, full of grace and joy and wearing a beautiful white dress, is escorted down the aisle by her Father. A handsome young man anxiously awaits her arrival, ready for the life together as a new family to begin. There is a kiss, and confetti , and a slow dance…and so much love and joy.

Fast forward, and the woman’s pregnant belly is blossoming before her, and her husband wraps his arms around it. First, a  baby boy is born, followed a few years later by his little sister. There are tears as these new lives begin, but tears of great joy and love.

They are happy. They are fulfilled. They work hard, but not too much. They enjoy spending as much time as they can together.
This is a family full of respect, joy, love and compassion…this is the dream.

 

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The Green Eyed Monster and Other Nasties

en·vy

/ˈenvē/
Noun
A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.
Verb
Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to (someone else): “he envied tall people”; “I envy Jane her happiness”.

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Unrealistic Expectations (or Why Romantic Comedies Have A Lot To Answer For)

I have been avoiding writing this post, most because the reasons behind it had me ugly crying for the second time in less the a month. So I’m going to start off  with a bit of  rant about the romantic comedy/drama genre (which has been inspired by post on both KiKi&Tea and Mamamia).

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I have to confess that I used to love romance films. I devoured them. Whenever I went to the movies, they’re what I wanted to see – boy meets girl, they fall in love, there is a misunderstanding / catastrophe of some sort, they sort it out and get married in a gorgeous ceremony. I would laugh, I would cry and I would leave the cinema feeling full of hope and joy. For many years, my favourite of all of these was ‘A Walk To Remember’, which though incredibly sad, sparked my fascination with Nicholas Sparks (see what I did there?) who is also credited with such marvels as ‘Dear John’, ‘The Last Song’ and of course ‘The Notebook’. All epic romances that featured pretty normal people – people that I could identify with.

And there’s the rub.

Of course, it’s not Mr Spark’s fault that I had a hard time separating fiction and reality (Stephanie Meyer and Jodi Picoult are also partly to blame), but that’s what happened. I was convinced that I just had to wait and everything would turn out fine. That my story would turn into something epic that people would talk about forever. I was utterly convinced that I would marry my ‘highschool sweetheart’ that for a better part of year, I ignored the fact that he was cheating on me. I knew he would realise the error of his ways and come back to me. It didn’t happen, I screamed at him, he sent my abusive messages and now…well now he is reformed (from what I can tell) and is marrying the sweetest girl ever (who is not me, by the way).

This rant has a point: somewhere along the way, someone forgot to mention to me that real life doesn’t happen like fiction. And, it’s also  my own responsibility now to make sure I live in the real world. Which brings us to ugly crying…

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In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to have this particular conversation with darling Fiancé this week. But I had to, because I’d started planning again. Like, actual, serious, “we’re probably going to get married next November” planning. Because I believed for some insane reason, that he would magically be ready. He isn’t, of course, because real life doesn’t happen like that. So I was ugly crying and screaming that I wanted my special day – for something to go right for me once in my life. (because i’m kind of an insensitive bitch when I’m hormonal and dreams have been…delayed…again). My therapist asked me this week if I’m staying with him because I want to get married or because I love him. I know I love him, but I’ve still had to think that question over this week and I know that if I ever can’t immediately respond with “I love him” then I should leave.

For now, there is a plan. On my end, I am going to work on detaching myself from the problems of my parents, as well as working on the whole living in reality thing. On his end, he’s going to continue to work on his budgeting and his overwhelming need to ‘provide’. Together, we’re going to work on supporting each other, taking turns to talk and cry and comfort (but not placate). We can do this – I am certain of it. I love him. He loves me. We care for each, we ‘see’ each other.

Hollywood can go bite itself.

UGLY CRY

Today I had an UGLY CRY (well, several actually). For the uninitiated, an UGLY CRY is when you’re crying to hard that how have tears pouring down your face, snot dribbling out your nose and you can’t breathe properly, so you are forced to take those big gasping breaths. At the end, you generally feel quite good – if not happy, at least glad that things are off your chest.

Nothing really super huge happened to prompt the UGLY CRY session/s. It was just a lot of things.
Because my sister (who I love!) has managed to find the perfect job for next year.
Because she and her husband start the day off by praying together.
Because my chip packet had a best before date of 02/02/13, which was the date I was supposed to be getting married.
Because my mum keeps entering my room every area of my life without my permission or need or want.
Because I was having a ‘fat day’.
Because I have no money.
Because I couldn’t get in contact with Fiancé (he was at work).
Because the bus was late, so I missed my class.
Because exams are in a month.
Because of “all the oestrogen, George. Because of ALL the oestrogen.” (A Grey’s Anatomy quote – but it applies).

I then proceeded to rush off the Chatswood, hoping to find Fiancé after he finished work because what I needed more than anything was a hug from him. Somehow, I caught him just in time before he got on a bus. And he held me a told me that it was fine to cry. That he wished he had more time for me today, but that he will make up for it tomorrow. That he loves me. And so now, even though everything still sucks, I don’t feel the need to keep UGLY CRYING (at least for today.

Lots of my friends seem to having bad days, too. Is it something in the air?
If you’ve had a bad day, what / who helps?
When was the last time you had an UGLY CRY?

Turning Twenty-Two

Today, at 3:14 am, I had been born* exactly 22 years ago! Cue massive meltdown from yours truly when I woke up. This doesn’t usually happen on my birthday – I’m a big kid at heart & I simply love my birthday and all that it entails (gifts, cake, having fun). But today it was different. I feel old. I feel like I should have achieved more – put simply, I should either be in my first year of paid employment or doing my honours year of nursing. I should be living out of home, healthier than I am. I should, I should, I should…Instead, I am waiting for mid-year main round offers from UAC, so I begin a 4 year long trek to becoming an early childhood teacher. I am still at home. I’m really not as healthy as I thought I would be.
Does that mean I’ve failed? Does it all mean I haven’t done something right?
This morning, I thought it did. I thought it meant that I, myself, was a complete rotten failure. And then (as he often does) my wonderful Fiancé challenged my flawed thinking. He reminded me that I’m smart & beautiful. That I have a lot to offer the world. That yes, I have made some mistakes, but ultimately I have failed at nothing. The things I think I’ve failed at are just that – negative, illogical thoughts that need to caught and examined for any merit, discarding the bits that actually don’t fit. How lucky am I?
So in the end, my birthday has turned out to be a brilliant day (so far!) Thank you to my wonderful Matthew & fantastic friends who have helped make it so!
Sonja 🙂
*I don’t say “alive” because for me, alive began a lot earlier than my birth…