The title of this blog comes from an episode of the show ‘Friends’. Basically, Monica buys some really beautiful, really expensive boots. She tells Chandler that the expense is ok – she can wear them with everything. Of course, the first time she wears them, she finds out that they are super uncomfortable! But determined not to lose face, she keeps pretending to wear them. She finally gets caught out after Chandler makes her wear them to a work function – and they have to walk a fair distance. She gives up, tells the truth and takes them off…and then promptly lusts after the same pair in a different colour that are on sale! Continue reading
A gorgeous young woman, full of grace and joy and wearing a beautiful white dress, is escorted down the aisle by her Father. A handsome young man anxiously awaits her arrival, ready for the life together as a new family to begin. There is a kiss, and confetti , and a slow dance…and so much love and joy.
Fast forward, and the woman’s pregnant belly is blossoming before her, and her husband wraps his arms around it. First, a baby boy is born, followed a few years later by his little sister. There are tears as these new lives begin, but tears of great joy and love.
They are happy. They are fulfilled. They work hard, but not too much. They enjoy spending as much time as they can together.
This is a family full of respect, joy, love and compassion…this is the dream.
A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. Verb
Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to (someone else): “he envied tall people”; “I envy Jane her happiness”.
Yesterday, I made a choice.
I quit therapy.
Now, before you all get concerned, I want to put a few things out there.
To start off with, I have been seeing the same therapist regularly since March 2011. That’s almost two whole years. Something else, is the fact that I haven’t seen her for 8 weeks now because she’d been in NZ taking care of her parents (and I’m still alive & kicking). Another thing to add…is the fact that, because of her own strong opinions, I often felt like I couldn’t express my own opinions a lot of the time. She’s also inconvenient to get to, and is disorganised to hell.
That isn’t to say that she wasn’t helpful, because she has been wonderfully helpful over the past 23 months. I have learnt a lot about listening to my body, misplaced guilt and how to be an adult (seriously, we covered this topic a lot!). She was, at the start, very good a getting me to talk about the things that I need to, and desperately didn’t want to talk about. I no longer feel rage and guilt and shame about being abused, but rather feel anger and sadness in proportions that don’t control my life (yeah, take that you dick heads!). I am able to stand up for myself. I challenge myself. I am compassionate to myself (and others) when I am let down.
The point I’m trying to make (as scary as it is) is that in addition to all the annoying things I listed before… I feel ready to leave regular therapy. And I have felt ready for a while. So, I have. I know that I will always be able to access a counsellor when I need to. And I also know that I have to skills to
survive thrive in this crazy world. Bring on this new phase of recovery!
P.S oh yeah. I just realised that I told y’all to not let me quit therapy. Hmm. Well, I’ve made my choice now! If you do have any concerns, please let me know, though, ok?
I know in the last post I wrote, I basically said I wouldn’t be blogging any more. At the time, I was thinking about all the crap that had come as a result of hiding behind this internet façade that I use. I’ve had some time to think it over and I’ve realised – I still have some important things to say and the internet is one place that I can get them out in full! Anyone, back to the topic at hand…
A little while ago, Fiancé & I were perusing a used book store where I live, when we happened upon “Boundaries” by Drs Cloud and Townsend. For $4, it was a total bargin and a very helpful book! It so clearly explains the concepts of boundaries in relationships, a concept that had been explained to us both in hospital, but never as clearly as it is in the book. I have really enjoyed reading it this week, learning new skills and testing them out. Something unexpected happened though…somehow, I have learnt to love my imperfectness.
I don’t know where it came from. I don’t know if it will last (I hope it does!) But since the day I set a challenge to myself to buy clothes that both looked good and felt comfortable (while ignoring the size label) I have felt so much more love for myself. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m not in pain all day, everyday? (Wearing jeans that are at least a size to small will do that to a girl…) Maybe it’s the fact that my parents have been away for just over 3 weeks, and I’ve had to decide what, where and when each meal will be? Maybe, just maybe, it is the culmination of so many therapy hours and so many prayers and the start of being ‘recovered’…Whatever it is, I like it.
My point is (and I do have one) that being able to love the imperfectness of yourself, allows you to better love others. At least, that is my truth. I starting to know a freedom now, that I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. For the first time, there is a voice inside me that encourages and says ‘yes, you are worthy, just as you are!’ I am so hoping I can hold onto it 🙂 My first challenge will come tomorrow, when the parents return home and some decisions will no longer be my own any more. But know this: I have a voice, and it will be heard…and we are all of us PERFECT just the way we are.
I have been avoiding writing this post, most because the reasons behind it had me ugly crying for the second time in less the a month. So I’m going to start off with a bit of rant about the romantic comedy/drama genre (which has been inspired by post on both KiKi&Tea and Mamamia).
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I have to confess that I used to love romance films. I devoured them. Whenever I went to the movies, they’re what I wanted to see – boy meets girl, they fall in love, there is a misunderstanding / catastrophe of some sort, they sort it out and get married in a gorgeous ceremony. I would laugh, I would cry and I would leave the cinema feeling full of hope and joy. For many years, my favourite of all of these was ‘A Walk To Remember’, which though incredibly sad, sparked my fascination with Nicholas Sparks (see what I did there?) who is also credited with such marvels as ‘Dear John’, ‘The Last Song’ and of course ‘The Notebook’. All epic romances that featured pretty normal people – people that I could identify with.
And there’s the rub.
Of course, it’s not Mr Spark’s fault that I had a hard time separating fiction and reality (Stephanie Meyer and Jodi Picoult are also partly to blame), but that’s what happened. I was convinced that I just had to wait and everything would turn out fine. That my story would turn into something epic that people would talk about forever. I was utterly convinced that I would marry my ‘highschool sweetheart’ that for a better part of year, I ignored the fact that he was cheating on me. I knew he would realise the error of his ways and come back to me. It didn’t happen, I screamed at him, he sent my abusive messages and now…well now he is reformed (from what I can tell) and is marrying the sweetest girl ever (who is not me, by the way).
This rant has a point: somewhere along the way, someone forgot to mention to me that real life doesn’t happen like fiction. And, it’s also my own responsibility now to make sure I live in the real world. Which brings us to ugly crying…
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In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to have this particular conversation with darling Fiancé this week. But I had to, because I’d started planning again. Like, actual, serious, “we’re probably going to get married next November” planning. Because I believed for some insane reason, that he would magically be ready. He isn’t, of course, because real life doesn’t happen like that. So I was ugly crying and screaming that I wanted my special day – for something to go right for me once in my life. (because i’m kind of an insensitive bitch when I’m hormonal and dreams have been…delayed…again). My therapist asked me this week if I’m staying with him because I want to get married or because I love him. I know I love him, but I’ve still had to think that question over this week and I know that if I ever can’t immediately respond with “I love him” then I should leave.
For now, there is a plan. On my end, I am going to work on detaching myself from the problems of my parents, as well as working on the whole living in reality thing. On his end, he’s going to continue to work on his budgeting and his overwhelming need to ‘provide’. Together, we’re going to work on supporting each other, taking turns to talk and cry and comfort (but not placate). We can do this – I am certain of it. I love him. He loves me. We care for each, we ‘see’ each other.
Hollywood can go bite itself.