The title of this blog comes from an episode of the show ‘Friends’. Basically, Monica buys some really beautiful, really expensive boots. She tells Chandler that the expense is ok – she can wear them with everything. Of course, the first time she wears them, she finds out that they are super uncomfortable! But determined not to lose face, she keeps pretending to wear them. She finally gets caught out after Chandler makes her wear them to a work function – and they have to walk a fair distance. She gives up, tells the truth and takes them off…and then promptly lusts after the same pair in a different colour that are on sale! Continue reading
A gorgeous young woman, full of grace and joy and wearing a beautiful white dress, is escorted down the aisle by her Father. A handsome young man anxiously awaits her arrival, ready for the life together as a new family to begin. There is a kiss, and confetti , and a slow dance…and so much love and joy.
Fast forward, and the woman’s pregnant belly is blossoming before her, and her husband wraps his arms around it. First, a baby boy is born, followed a few years later by his little sister. There are tears as these new lives begin, but tears of great joy and love.
They are happy. They are fulfilled. They work hard, but not too much. They enjoy spending as much time as they can together.
This is a family full of respect, joy, love and compassion…this is the dream.
A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. Verb
Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to (someone else): “he envied tall people”; “I envy Jane her happiness”.
Yesterday, I made a choice.
I quit therapy.
Now, before you all get concerned, I want to put a few things out there.
To start off with, I have been seeing the same therapist regularly since March 2011. That’s almost two whole years. Something else, is the fact that I haven’t seen her for 8 weeks now because she’d been in NZ taking care of her parents (and I’m still alive & kicking). Another thing to add…is the fact that, because of her own strong opinions, I often felt like I couldn’t express my own opinions a lot of the time. She’s also inconvenient to get to, and is disorganised to hell.
That isn’t to say that she wasn’t helpful, because she has been wonderfully helpful over the past 23 months. I have learnt a lot about listening to my body, misplaced guilt and how to be an adult (seriously, we covered this topic a lot!). She was, at the start, very good a getting me to talk about the things that I need to, and desperately didn’t want to talk about. I no longer feel rage and guilt and shame about being abused, but rather feel anger and sadness in proportions that don’t control my life (yeah, take that you dick heads!). I am able to stand up for myself. I challenge myself. I am compassionate to myself (and others) when I am let down.
The point I’m trying to make (as scary as it is) is that in addition to all the annoying things I listed before… I feel ready to leave regular therapy. And I have felt ready for a while. So, I have. I know that I will always be able to access a counsellor when I need to. And I also know that I have to skills to
survive thrive in this crazy world. Bring on this new phase of recovery!
P.S oh yeah. I just realised that I told y’all to not let me quit therapy. Hmm. Well, I’ve made my choice now! If you do have any concerns, please let me know, though, ok?
I know in the last post I wrote, I basically said I wouldn’t be blogging any more. At the time, I was thinking about all the crap that had come as a result of hiding behind this internet façade that I use. I’ve had some time to think it over and I’ve realised – I still have some important things to say and the internet is one place that I can get them out in full! Anyone, back to the topic at hand…
A little while ago, Fiancé & I were perusing a used book store where I live, when we happened upon “Boundaries” by Drs Cloud and Townsend. For $4, it was a total bargin and a very helpful book! It so clearly explains the concepts of boundaries in relationships, a concept that had been explained to us both in hospital, but never as clearly as it is in the book. I have really enjoyed reading it this week, learning new skills and testing them out. Something unexpected happened though…somehow, I have learnt to love my imperfectness.
I don’t know where it came from. I don’t know if it will last (I hope it does!) But since the day I set a challenge to myself to buy clothes that both looked good and felt comfortable (while ignoring the size label) I have felt so much more love for myself. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m not in pain all day, everyday? (Wearing jeans that are at least a size to small will do that to a girl…) Maybe it’s the fact that my parents have been away for just over 3 weeks, and I’ve had to decide what, where and when each meal will be? Maybe, just maybe, it is the culmination of so many therapy hours and so many prayers and the start of being ‘recovered’…Whatever it is, I like it.
My point is (and I do have one) that being able to love the imperfectness of yourself, allows you to better love others. At least, that is my truth. I starting to know a freedom now, that I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. For the first time, there is a voice inside me that encourages and says ‘yes, you are worthy, just as you are!’ I am so hoping I can hold onto it 🙂 My first challenge will come tomorrow, when the parents return home and some decisions will no longer be my own any more. But know this: I have a voice, and it will be heard…and we are all of us PERFECT just the way we are.
I’ve been doing this thing lately. This thing where I do…nothing. Oh sure, some days I meet up with friends, but either side of those meet ups, I’m sitting in my bedroom, counting down how many more
days hours minutes there are until a) Matt comes out of hospital and b) uni goes back . I hate having nothing to do.
Actually, I have plenty of things I could be doing, but none are as fun or as time consuming as planning a wedding. Which I am no longer doing. We decided to put back the date. There is a long post here about the why & the how. So now my days are kind of…empty. I hadn’t realised how much of day was wedding related until I didn’t have it any more.
There is another thing that is keeping me firmly glued to my bed. FEAR. On a completely different tangent, it has little to do with the wedding (ok, a bit actually). It’s about my weight. I’m almost back up to my heaviest, simply because I’m too afraid to move. I’m scared to start exercising, because I don’t know how far it will go. Not that I did exerciseat all when I was acutely unwell. Just…I know that ED often rears it’s ugly head in entirely different & new ways just when you think you’ve got it conquered.
So, I’m well in truly stuck. Stuck in a cycle of ignoring and fear and running away (metaphorically). Stuck in a routine of sleeping at 2am and getting up at 10:30am. Stuck in place where it feels like I can do nothing, though I know everything I could be doing. Stuck in therapy that seems to now be going nowhere. It’s apparently a fairly normal at my stage of recovery, but I don’t like it. I can’t deal with it. It feels so much like the deep dark depression I was in, except that now I can actually do the things I want (I just don’t).