With exams over, I feel like it’s time to reflect on things I have learnt this semester:
- The grammar of the English language is HARD. When studying it, try and keep up to date with readings.
- Learning *how* to use play as a learning tool with young children is much less fun than actually playing with young children.
- Sociology will always and forever remain my favourite subject area…and statistics are not boring. Continue reading
You know how sometimes it can feel like you’re not living you life, you are merely a spectator? And at other times you feel like you don’t have a life at all – no friends, nothing
good happening? And you sit and you wonder and you think…how did I get here?
I saw a movie today, and it changed me. Just in this moment…I know it will fade. Right now, though, things are clear. I constantly complain that no one asks me out to anything. I’ve always blamed them for not thinking of me, but maybe I haven’t put myself out there. Maybe I haven’t shown that I’m free, that I’m keen, that I will turn up. I talk a lot, but I’m actually really shy. New people, new experiences…they scare the crap out of me. So, this is me putting it out there: I want to see people and go places and be slightly crazy. I don’t need to be wrapped in cotton wool – it only makes things worse. I know I can be encased in the relationship bubble, which is why I need my friends to help burst it (and by that, I mean, drag me out of the house to be young women in the prime of our lives!).
Please don’t let me quit therapy. I know sometimes I go on about how my therapist sucks, but I think it’s got more to do with the fact that (for whatever reason) I don’t want to be truly honest with her…like I think I should be ‘healed’ already and move on with it. The thing is, we’re just getting to the important part. I’ve dealt with the overwhelming tragedy of my abuse, but not with the everyday reflexes that are there in my life because of it. So please, I am begging you do not let me quit therapy. or change uni courses (again).
I am so lucky to know you. In real life and in cyber space (although, sometimes I think we’re more ‘real’ online…but that’s another post!) I am lucky to have crazy, awesome people who love me and annoy me. I am so young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can do whatever I want, become whoever I want to be. This is a bit of a rambling letter / post, I know…but the point is this: we accept the love we think we deserve. And we all deserve to be wonderfully loved. So learn to love yourself,including all the things you think are flaws and failings, so that you will accept no less than that.
A lot of people I know who are in recovery – from an eating disorder, depression or any kind of addication – are really good at giving advice (myself included). I’ve noticed we have this amazing ability to deflect from our own problems by asking each other about theirs – taking care of our friends instead of ourselves, and offering advice that we completely ignore in our own lives. It’s this weird kind of merry-go-round that is very hard to get off because it’s
almost expected in these groups of people that it will happen…
I have a theory as to why (it’s not very profound) – it’s because it’s to hard to deal with our own personal problems. Weird, I know. But at least for me, and my group of friends, it is much easier to take on someone else’s pain for a while than dealing with your own. There is a catch, though – we get too tired from carrying too much and holding too much in. Our disorders worsen, and recovery becomes near impossible because we’re not dealing with the issues at hand.
I find it’s so, so easy to just ignore my own issues and try to fix everyone else’s. Confrontation is too hard, to scary. I worried that I’m not going to like who I find under all the layers (or worse still – that I won’t recognise myself). I concerned that the people who love me won’t love me when my issues (and theirs) are brought forward. But ignoring the harder stuff is not recovery. Pretending the problems don’t exist will not mean that they will go away – they will, in fact, get worse.
I’m not too sure where I’m going to go from here. If there is one thing I do know it’s this: I should start listening to my own advice & the wisdom of my friends and family. For the most part, it’s pretty good.
I need to start wanting for myself the life I so dearly wish for my loved ones.
Do you heed your own advice (or the advice other’s give)? Or are you much better at giving?