The title of this blog comes from an episode of the show ‘Friends’. Basically, Monica buys some really beautiful, really expensive boots. She tells Chandler that the expense is ok – she can wear them with everything. Of course, the first time she wears them, she finds out that they are super uncomfortable! But determined not to lose face, she keeps pretending to wear them. She finally gets caught out after Chandler makes her wear them to a work function – and they have to walk a fair distance. She gives up, tells the truth and takes them off…and then promptly lusts after the same pair in a different colour that are on sale!
My life, for
a few months quite a while has felt like this episode of Friends…specifically my relationship with Matt.
Oh, we started off well! Our relationship was actually quite wonderful in the start – both ‘sober’ and committed to recovery, both open and honest with each other. We were good a speaking each others love languages before we even knew what they were. I was captivated by him – this warm, gentle, funny and insightful man. We dreamt about our future together and it looked great! ,
Then, he had his first ‘issue’ with his housing service, and quite frankly it all went downhill from there.
He started using again, and being dishonest about some feelings he was having for his friends.
I started to resent him, and in equal measures, try to ‘save’ him.
He kept making promises he knew he couldn’t keep, and I kept demanding them from him.
He postponed our wedding for the first time, and my heart broke.
I was determined not to lose face though. I was determined to prove everyone, who’d ever said that we wouldn’t make it , wrong. I was determined to stand by him and love him and support him,
even if especially if it meant squashing my own dreams and wants and needs. I told myself that I would not become just another person who had walked away from him when things got difficult.
When he went to rehab for the third time in the middle of last year, I honestly believed that things were looking up. I thought that now he had someone and something to hold on to, he’d want to recover. I knew that he had to want it, or it wouldn’t happen. Then, when he was discharged, there was more backsliding than progress. He seemed determined to blame everyone else for all his problems, and accept no responsibility for anything himself. Oh, it was a warning bell – but I quashed it. Months and months of this went by and still I said to myself “Just hang in there. He will get better!” So when, in January this year, he said that he was ready to get married, I jumped for joy! I thought that this was it – the turn-a-round, the catalyst, the glorious change I had been waiting for! I actually had trouble believing it at all – even when we singed the contract for the photographer and the reception venue.
I had a right to be nervous, because three months ago, he postponed our wedding again.
I remember thinking then and there, that I should just break up with him and be over and done with it. I am, however, a personality type that needs to be needed, and will do absolutely everything they possibly can to make sure that the other person loves them…so I squashed the voice again. I did go back into therapy, though, and I have learnt so much about myself. I have gained strength and wisdom and I know what I can and can’t endure…
I can’t endure bearing all the burden of a relationship myself.
I can’t endure a relationship where the other person doesn’t want to get better.
I can’t endure a future that changes on the whim of another every few months.
I can’t endure giving so much and getting
so little nothing in return.
So I’m not any more.
We are no longer together.
It was something beautiful, that turned ugly, and this…this is finally the end.