Some of you may recognise the title of my blog, as the title of a book by Susan Jeffers – not so coincidentally it’s a book my therapist has been encouraging me to read (on a side note: if anyone has a copy, I’d love to borrow it!). Anyway, I’m not writing about the book today. I’m not even writing about therapy really. I’m writing about a fear that all of a sudden crept up yesterday afternoon…this crazy, irrational fear I have of losing weight.
I’ll just let those words sink in: I am afraid of losing weight.
I think that theses words would seem completely strange to the average person. If they don’t seem strange, I’m pretty sure my predicament would be melted down into “Are you sure you’re just scared nothing will change / too much will change once you lose weight?” Here is the thing though: I’m not scared of change. I want it, I crave it – especially given where I am at right now. They say that ‘change is a good as holiday’, and gosh…how I need that. So no, that’s not the problem.
The problem is as simple and complex as this: I’ve never identified as being a ‘normal’ ‘healthy*’ weight – for as long as I can remember, I’ve thought I was overweight. So I’m completely terrified that I might, for the first time I can remember, approach average weight for my height. That I might actually be happy with how I look, with what my body can do…it’s horrible! I’ve spent more than half my life beating up on my body, hating it, cutting it, messing with it’s normal function. To be honest, I’m also a little worried that the dormant ED voice in my brain will latch onto something that I’m doing primarily for fitness and health and screw it up. Then there is the fact that I have used my weight as a wall to keep from letting people in. To actually, physically lose that wall is also incredibly scary!
So here is the thing: please encourage me to keep going. Please help me to remember that my worth is not based on my weight, and that I am worthy of love and acceptance no matter how many parts of my body ‘jiggle’. Please remind me that, even though it is scary, it’s a very healthy thing to let people in (with boundaries, of course!) Please remind how good I feel after I exercise, that food has no ‘moral worth’ (it’s not good or bad!) and that I’m not a bad person based on how much I exercised or ate in a day.
Please, hold my hand, help me feel the fear…and then do it anyway.
*FYI – I don’t believe health can be ‘measured’ in terms of weight. However, it has been my past view that my health was directly related to my weight. My eating disorder manifested itself from this idea (along with other messages I’d received about my worth)