The Green Eyed Monster and Other Nasties

en·vy

/ˈenvē/
Noun
A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.
Verb
Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to (someone else): “he envied tall people”; “I envy Jane her happiness”.

So I’ve had a lot of meetings with the green eyed monster and the black dog lately. I don’t like it – it makes me uncomfortable and scared when they visit. I feel powerless, insecure and somehow…’less’. They suck me in and spit me out with decreased confidence, ability and sense of worth. They bite at my heels and run circles around me, demanding more when I have less and less to give. My head at the moment is not a pretty picture.

And why?

Because my Fiancé, 3 weeks ago, told me that he lied to me in January when he said he was ‘ready’ to get married.
Because he has been active in his addiction this entire time – since he left hospital last year.
Because a dear twitter friend recently got engaged and is in full wedding planning mode.
Because and ex-boyfriend of mine grew up and got married.
Because my sister is buying land and building a house.
Because she won yet another award at uni.
Because she has managed to find the perfect job and the perfect husband and become the perfect wife/friend/person.
Because I am at the heaviest weight of my life and all my friends are looking so good.
Because everyone else seems to have their lives worked out – and it’s all working out for them.

Because this is not how I pictured my life.

To be absolutely clear, it is NOT anyone else’s fault that I feel the way I do. It’s my reaction to what I think is ‘unfairness’, when in reality, this is life. It is a hard slog. It is difficult. We do not always get what we want, and when we do it does not always meet our expectations.

Yet there is this: I have spent my life taking care of people, bending to their wishes and expectations.
And so I’m just wondering…will I ever get what I want?

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2 thoughts on “The Green Eyed Monster and Other Nasties

  1. OK, so I’m about ten years older than you, and ten years ago I was where you are, sort of. It’s probably not what you want to hear, but right now you need to sit back, breathe, chill out, do the things that make you happy and stop trying so hard to bend the world to your will. Maybe the things you want right now will happen, maybe they won’t, but you can’t make them happen. Try to remember that you are on your own timetable, not anyone else’s, and life has ways of telling you to slow down when all you want is for it to speed up. Slow down, take a breath and focus on taking care of yourself first.

    So many hugs and kisses to you (PS, I am also currently the heaviest I’ve ever been and I just can’t stop myself and I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself, so maybe I should take the advice I just gave you, which is more about relationships).

  2. Pingback: Feel The Fear…and Do It Anyway | Confessions of a Twenty-Something Chocoholic

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