When we left our brilliant heroine, she was lost…downtrodden.
She had gained much, but lost more.
Where to from here…?
I could stay wallowing in my sorrow, in my invisableness. Goodness knows I’m wonderful at feeling sorry for myself. I’ve perfected the art of living life from the sidelines, of blending in…of being ‘beige’. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t have been an actress…or perhaps I was a chameleon in another life, taking on the ‘colour’ of her surroundings? It is a familiar life,and one that I am comfortable in…if rather unfulfilled. But what kind of life is that? To be so controlled by the memory, however horrible, of something that happened almost seven years ago? To dress and act and look a certain way because of what he did – what life is that?
And so I took the rather extraordinary step of joining my uni gym last week. I hate gyms – they scare me! I know that fewer kilograms sitting on my body will not make me exponentially happier. I also know that hiding behind a layer of fat and emotion is not a healthy place – it’s not where I want to start my marriage. I am not striving to be thin, but strong. I am not looking for weight loss as such, but the shifting of years of emotion energy pent up in my body. I want to move. I want to be kind to my body. I want to listen to it, not some ED voice that thinks it knows best.
My hope is, that after all this, I gain something new: self respect / confidence / esteem. While it does have something to do with the physical weight I carry – a reminder of the physical barrier I put up to keep me safe – it’s more about the emotional and mental weight the rides along with it.
I want to gain my life – the one I really want.
present participle of gain (Verb)
Obtain or secure (something desired, favorable, or profitable): “gain confidence”.
Reach or arrive at (a desired destination): “we gained the ridge”.