You know how sometimes it can feel like you’re not living you life, you are merely a spectator? And at other times you feel like you don’t have a life at all – no friends, nothing
good happening? And you sit and you wonder and you think…how did I get here?
I saw a movie today, and it changed me. Just in this moment…I know it will fade. Right now, though, things are clear. I constantly complain that no one asks me out to anything. I’ve always blamed them for not thinking of me, but maybe I haven’t put myself out there. Maybe I haven’t shown that I’m free, that I’m keen, that I will turn up. I talk a lot, but I’m actually really shy. New people, new experiences…they scare the crap out of me. So, this is me putting it out there: I want to see people and go places and be slightly crazy. I don’t need to be wrapped in cotton wool – it only makes things worse. I know I can be encased in the relationship bubble, which is why I need my friends to help burst it (and by that, I mean, drag me out of the house to be young women in the prime of our lives!).
Please don’t let me quit therapy. I know sometimes I go on about how my therapist sucks, but I think it’s got more to do with the fact that (for whatever reason) I don’t want to be truly honest with her…like I think I should be ‘healed’ already and move on with it. The thing is, we’re just getting to the important part. I’ve dealt with the overwhelming tragedy of my abuse, but not with the everyday reflexes that are there in my life because of it. So please, I am begging you do not let me quit therapy. or change uni courses (again).
I am so lucky to know you. In real life and in cyber space (although, sometimes I think we’re more ‘real’ online…but that’s another post!) I am lucky to have crazy, awesome people who love me and annoy me. I am so young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can do whatever I want, become whoever I want to be. This is a bit of a rambling letter / post, I know…but the point is this: we accept the love we think we deserve. And we all deserve to be wonderfully loved. So learn to love yourself,including all the things you think are flaws and failings, so that you will accept no less than that.