Hostage Negotiation

This post refers to sexual assault / abuse and uses terminology related to the subject. If you believe that this post may trigger you, please do not read it. 

Hostage – Nathan Tasker

Perhaps it’s just
It’s just this time of year
Cold it make everything
Seem more difficult than it appears

Like falling in love
Like falling in love

And perhaps it’s just
It’s just people I know
Letting mistakes that I’ve made
Fade from their memories so slow

Like falling in love
Like falling in love

Still I’ll take a step closer to the ledge
And feel the wind blow up from over the edge
Do I dare to believe this time when I fall I won’t hit the ground

And perhaps I’m just
I’m just falling apart
Too full of self doubt
To hold it together now

That I’m falling in love
Am I falling in love

Because I am Your hostage
I am Your hostage
I…I…I am Your hostage
I’m Your hostage now

And perhaps it’s just
Perhaps it’s just You
Keeping Your poker face on
As I stumble around like some fool

Who has fallen in love
Who has fallen in love
Who has fallen in love
I have fallen

I am Your hostage
I am Your hostage
I…I…I am Your hostage
I’m Your hostage now

I am Your hostage
I am Your hostage
I…I…I am Your hostage
I’m Your hostage now
I’m Your hostage now
I’m Your hostage

This song, was our song. The song I shared with second ever serious boyfriend – at least that’s what I called him at the time. I now call him my abuser, my groomer, my rapist.

I’m sure when Mr Tasker wrote this song, he was just talking about that swept up feeling you get when you fall in love with someone new. It really does feel like you’ve been taken hostage by something bigger than yourself. It is a wonderful feeling.

For me, I honestly had no idea of the difference between the “loved up hostage feeling” and the oh-so dangerous obsession, programming thing that happened to me. Here was this guy, two years + two months + two weeks + two days older than me, who told me I was beautiful (the thing he knew I longed to hear more than anything in the world). He was someone I could talk to, share my secrets, fears, hopes and dreams with. He got inside my head…and I wanted him there. I became addicted to him, to his attention like someone can become addicted to heroin. Then he broke up with me and my whole world, quite literally, came crashing down.

It took me literally years to understand what happened to me in this “relationship”. There was no equality, there was only power play, mind games and taking what he wanted from me. I ended up a shell of a person, desperate to be invisible and wishing someone could really see me and the horror I went through.

My abuser is getting married on Saturday. I feel sick to my stomach. Why does he get to be happy? No, seriously…WHY? In what world is that fair at all? Everyone will congratulate him, on such a beautiful wife and a lovely ceremony. It’s all a lie. And meanwhile, here I am. Scared, confused, still hurt and angry.

Will there ever come a time when I am not his hostage?

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2 thoughts on “Hostage Negotiation

  1. Pingback: Perception Shift | Confessions of a Twenty-Something Chocoholic

  2. Pingback: Not Your Typical V-Day Post (Probably) | Confessions of a Twenty-Something Chocoholic

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