I have this thing I do, that I think a lot of people who have had traumatic events do – I “celebrate” the anniversaries of the shit things happening. I live my life every year from date to date – January 4th, February 12th, April 12th, June 12th, August 21st….etc etc. Each date has significant meaning, and I spend ages “preparing” for the anniversary of the particular event. I have certain emotions that are triggered by different dates – anger, sadness, fear, loneliness and everything that comes with them. Every year, I tell myself that this is the last year that the dates will mean anything. The last year I cry. The last year I fall apart. And then next year rolls around, and we start the whole process again.
I’m really starting to get sick of it.
Of course, I realise that these dates are never going to mean nothing to me…but I would like to live my life not preparing in horror for the next cruel anniversary, but instead dreaming of the future and all it’s possibilities. I want to let go of the pain that is keeping me locked away, instead of reaching my full, beautiful potential. I want to get rid of the fear that binds me. I want to be free of the walls that keep me hidden.
Oh yes I know – this all sounds fantastical. And I bet you’re wondering: How long will she keep this up? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll be able to achieve what I want. But I have to try, don’t I? I have to believe that there is something more than the pain and fear and entrapment of living from horrible date to horrible date…